Optimism, confidence...

Two things I'm really bad at and two things I will embrace this year. I'm getting sappy with the resolutions, huh?

It's just that, I never thought about it until a friend told me she thought I had problems with self-loathing. Hell, I hadn't thought about it in years. I guess I sealed myself off from thinking about it because it's just about the least productive thought ever. But it hadn't gone away, it's still with me, only the more I think about it now, the more it vanishes. I like to feel confident, but I have to work at it. I can't just let things fester in my little pool. I need to clean them up.

It's my half-sister's birthday today. She is a year old now. It's not hard to believe, although the past year went by really quickly. They say repression is a defense mechanism... Well, it's evolved from that into something like a compost pile. I forget the bad things, never think about them, and eventually I forget them and the feelings they brought me. Selective memory is a gift I cherish. It will probably bite me in the ass later.

I don't really consider my half-sister my sister. Everyone calls her my sister, in passing and in general, and I'm willing to assume it's not because half is an extra syllable. They expect sisterly love from me, and I will give them what I want to give them, which is obviously up to me. I'm not a big fan of babies. I don't do what I do because of love, or obligation. I do what I do because I want to help. And what I do is help my father. To assume that my motherly and or sisterly instinct and wanting to bond is the reason I help with the baby is a monstrosity of an assumption. I don't even feel bad about it.

Something that always makes me mad (I'm not alone) is when adults tell you outright that your opinion about babies will change when, not if, you become a mother. That is the largest pile of bullshit I've ever heard. I love children. I don't love babies. I have respect for mothers, but because I am capable of what they are capable of does not make me an inevitable victim to motherhood.

I'm just sick and tired of being told I will want a baby someday and love the baby because it's a baby. I will love the baby because it is my child, not because it is a defenseless ball of shit, piss, and vomit. I will tolerate it because of my love for my child, and nothing more. If my opinion changes someday, and I can say most confidently as a WOMAN that it will not, I will stand corrected. That's right, my hatred of babies is not an immature thing that I will outgrow. If it's to be outgrown, I'd already have outgrown it. I secretly wish everyone who's ever expected maternal behavior of me towards babies can read this and suck it.

The best thing is I don't even hate babies. I just wish this would stop. Wait, what?

I went into a rant again, but I liked it.