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In class, we began to explore the relationship between graffiti or tattoos and advertisements.

I think public advertisement is just about as distruptive as people say graffiti is. People can attempt to make it pretty, but it almost always takes away from the atmosphere. It's low and unwanted. If people have money, they can post their hideous advertisements in attempt to make people buy or remember something. What's the difference in graffiti? Graffiti is usually the same kind of thing. You find it in the same places, it can be colourful or drab, pleasing or appalling. In a lot of ways advertisements are similar to graffiti, although they certainly have their major differences.

If people put effort and time into something, I consider it beautiful. Graffiti is just that, it can be anonymous or infamous, someone somewhere thought it was important enough to show everyone what their idea was. We see graffiti in its' pure form, it is usually composed quickly and passionatley. There is something admirable in the form graffiti takes. We may see a certain piece every day or just once and never again.

Graffiti could say something, or it could just be someone having fun. It brings a human essence to our daily lives. Maybe someone thought their art would look great on that wall, maybe someone just wanted to sign their name to defy autority. There could be many reasons all with one outcome, the "defacing" of an "otherwise pristine" building or structure.

Graffiti is what people think, unmasked from the enigma of the crowd. Graffiti is a strong feeling or a daredevil. It's imparative that graffiti be kept in check, or else destruction would occur... but I can't help but admire graffiti when I see it around the city.

trying

I'll just get this out of the way. Trying is definitely always worth it even if the fruits of your efforts aren't what you expected.

This is one of the few weeks I've been demotivated to write. Usually, I feel strongly about something and complain about it. This week I just stared at the screen. It may have something to do with my body being heavily medicated. I think I took 20 of those cold pills this week and at least a glass of cough syrup.

I'm not an epiphany person, things are what they are and surprises just add to the stack of my interpretation of the world. I was doing a bit of self-reflection (I've had a lot of time to think, I got maybe 5 hours total of sleep this week,) and I've become familiar with the facets of my mind.

I think I'm pretty boring, I only think about the same things, I'm pessimistic and negative at my worst yet never optimistic at my best. My situation and placement and dull outlook has left no room for optimism. I'd like to be optimistic, it seems productive, but it's as if I can't.

I like to pretend I believe in potential and ideals, but in reality my mind is "things happen the way they do, time that 'should have' been spent working is time I used to relax, or whatever I was doing, so there's no loss."

It's that kind of thing that is the basis of my "no regrets" policy. I don't really regret anything. Regret can be constructive, like optimism, it is a strong force and one unattainable for me.

I don't regret doing poorly the past year in school. I was conflicted, I isolated myself, I let myself fester in my pessimism and demotivation, and routine did not help. I remember it vaguely, I remember going through each day ignoring my vices and doing the bare minimum. It would have been better if there was someone or something to motivate me, but there was nothing. I was confused and needy, and would not admit these things. I felt uncomfortable because I believed what I was doing was pointless. I also felt like a burden and a disappointment in the shadow of my sister, who did well and remained a positive energy.

So what am I doing now? It's been proven to me that school is just to prepare me for the monotony of working life, and that most of the materials I learn will indeed have no effect on my life whatsoever. What is my motivation?

I'm bored. I'm under-stimulated. The classes in which I can become excited are few. I go to school and complete assignments for something to do. I try to enjoy it. All I want to do is be challenged, but I don't want to have to memorize all this or that for a reason which has only been described to me as "passing the exit exam, getting into a college." Why aren't I given practical applications? I can and will memorize things and keep them close to me if they have some relevance.

I'm not sure how to define how I think. But if everything I know is for passing a test, passing more classes, where am I going to put all the shit I don't use or need for my job? So I just wasted my time with something I hated doing anyway? When I could be made to use that time to sharpen skills which I'll actually use?

I think, I'm convinced the curricula is severely sub-par and mostly irrelevant. What is learning if the learners are unwilling?

I remember a question at the beginning of the year, something about whether or not you supported school being optional.

Well, that really depends, doesn't it? Certain classes I enjoy. History, French, English. Classes I dislike are P.E. (don't even get me started, oh my god), Geometry. Geometry might be fun if it wasn't so repetitive and if the book weren't so full of shit (a claim made by my dad, who would know what he is talking about.)

This is getting long, but I'll wrap it up.

So, if I had to add classes they'd be ones I can build off of. It's easy for me to do that with language and history (an arts class too, if I had one, I'd assume)-- not so with math. I'm terrible at math and I hate it because I like math.

Hell, what do I know? I think this is just more structured complaining.

Puris Omnia Pura

This is the motherland.

This week's title is unrelated. It means "To the pure, all is pure."

The vacation week (yes, I'll bore you with "what I did over my break") was short-lived and awkward, for the most part. I was supposed to have three thanksgiving dinners.

My mom's side of the family gathered in the shit-awful town of Reno for some reason. So, we drove the 4 hours to get there and stayed there for less than 24. The trip wasn't bad, we stopped at Fry's and I picked up 12 (Nikita Mikhailkov) and Blue (Krzysztof Kieślowski.) Apparantly at the hotel my great-uncle and my uncle got into a fist fight which involved tazers, or something. My sisters and I returned to our room and watched My Sister's Keeper afterwards, which I thought was a very good film. I imagine the book is even better, but I'm not sure if I want to read it.

On Thursday we had another dinner, one which my father cooked for, which included his parents and his girlfriend and her son. (I think. I can't quite remember.) Her son is five and it's become awkward being around him because his mother told me he has a crush on me. She's also told my father, my grandparents, and their friends, who are "in on the joke" or act like it. It's not a joke. It's funny, sure, go ahead and share it, but don't pal around with it. I think just having a lot of people in the house makes me tense.

On Friday I was expected to go to yet another Thanksgiving celebration at my aunt's house, but I refused. Why? Because I don't really like eating, don't really like Napa in the rain, and don't really feel like being subjected to more conjecture.

I asked a question of myself. What is it that makes me so want to move away? Is it purely the coveting of foreign culture which I can learn to love? Is it that bad living here?

I don't really know. It's very hard for me to specify. I like the Bay Area-maybe not specifically the East Bay, but I do appreciate what it has to offer and the amount of interesting history. But I don't really want to live here at all. Not SF because it's too cold and foggy. My doctor told me I should move somewhere warm to help my circulation problem.

I just want to return to the homeland, I guess. Is it really that simple? I think so. The memories I have are all happy and idyllic, and I know my life won't be that way if I move back, but I still really want to. I so much wish to return that if I cannot, if I must stay in this country, I think I'll go insane.

You know how most people have more than one motive to do something? And how people usually base goals off of a couple different things they'd like?

There is only one thing I want from myself. I kind of just want to get out.
I don't want to go to college for myself, either. I don't really want to do anything, I just do it because it will make things interesting later and I might be able to help people or make friends in the proccess.

I jump all over the place and never know what to say. I think my blogs get more boring as they go on.

My last thought is that I did some research and finally think I know what I want to do with my life, once and for all (since I must do something with my life, apparantly.)

I'd like to work in the creative field in animating or otherwise artistically innovative and related career fields, preferably involving technology.

Alternativley, I'll major in foreign language and aim for the top, a foreign ambassador or interpreter.


Yeah, things are going OK, but it's my least favourite time of year. I wish I could hibernate, too.