each day

I wake up, tangled in my scratchy comforter, check the clock (it's never later than seven,) and gaze at the bold-print marker scrawl on my white board. "CHIN UP," it reads, and the more I see it the more I feel like I'm mocking myself. A book or two fall to the already littered floor as I rouse myself for tea. Another day, another nail in the coffin.

It's not all bad, I suppose. I have people and ideas to keep me company, and blank paper to excite me.

Actually, it is all that bad. I can't continue to allow people to make important decisions for me, as I've been doing since I can remember. I have to let go of my seemingly perpetual despondence and accept that there are, in fact, things I can do. I do not want to "make it through" my life as if it were some kind of punishment or inevitable hardship, like nearly all the adults in my life tell me.

So, I'm going to take charge of this tiny ship and let it be known that I'll be deciding where it sails, blissfully ignoring the parts of myself that lack confidence.

So yes. I've decided for myself that I will make better use of my time and opt out of what's expected of me, starting the next semester. And let me tell you, it feels good.

It feels good (to be perfectly descriptive) to know that there are always things I can do and make for myself, and eventually for everyone around me.

uneventful

The "inevitable workload" beast of upperclassmanhood has begun to press his thumb upon our backs. Needless to say, I've already fallen behind and started getting sick, which seems to be a theme for me. Ah, well. I expected no better of myself. Speaking of expectations, this year's aren't very hopeful.

I bought Creating A World That Works For All by Sutherland's recommendation, and it is fabulous so far. I'm annotating it, and I'll write some reviews and thoughts on it soon. Sorry I've been so lazy lately, I'm totally sleeping all the time (16 hours a day no joke,) and it's times like these I wish I could be a cat.

On the subject of school, well, to be frank, it's not looking so hot. I don't think my dad's going to allow me to test out, and I've got a heavy load with "college prep" class having me spit up homework for hours each afternoon. I'm not sure, but I think I can "just make it through" this year, too. I'll try, anyway. Last year's English class has probably spoiled me for life, because I'm finding Junior English less and less tolerable. Mr. Stein drives me up the wall. Must he criticize my ineptitude of completing his inane assignments every time he deigns to speak to me? I'm working on it, bub. But I guess such is life, and so is being in a language class you're probably too advanced for (I speak on English and French, actually.)

Not that I want a "college prep" English class, anyhow, come to think of it...

Well, it's too late into the semester for me to really do anything anyway. So I guess I'll apathetically crawl through the rest of the year, wasting my time. Well, I'm already cynical about it, so why not?

In other news, it's good to be in art class again. I should post more art and I actually will this time as soon as my dad sets up the scanner.

School

I've been thinking about school for a long time now, even though I've only been for a week so far this year.

I think I've decided I'd much rather be home schooled than continue public school. I don't want to burden my family, but I could learn so much more in a comfortable, focused environment. And let's face it, self; "just making it through the year" hasn't really worked for you in the past.

I don't want to be in a room with people who don't want to be there. I don't want to be in a place where people act stupid and are judgmental and biased. To be honest, I'd rather not be at home all day either, but my preference is clear.

And if I'm home schooled, I can go to college for the credits I can't earn on my own, which of course will make it easier for me to go abroad.

Well, it's something I want to try.

Is there a concrete reality we must accept?

As humans, we must ask this of ourselves. Are there things we cannot change about ourselves, be they personal, societal, etc?

I always think about this question and how unusual it is that people create some constant, and decide that there is nothing that can or will ever be done about it. For example; "there will always be good people and bad people in the world." Though it's very general, it's also matter-of-fact regardless of its assumption.

Most people would agree with it, though. Hell, I'd agree with it, but agreeing with it makes me wonder about how I define good and bad. If I think about it long enough, I don't really agree with it, because people aren't just born "bad." There are things we can do to make people want to do "good," (not including threats or punishment,) and there are things which make people want to do "bad." Both exist in our world, and since there are so many opinions to be had, it's almost like there's no such thing as "right" or "wrong," and thus, "good" or "bad." "There will always be different kinds of people with different perceptions in the world," is a much more concrete reality.

This can go for groups of people, ideas, and anything that can be judged. However, we like to judge ourselves and each other more than anything, don't we?

I've been "apocalyptic" for some time now. That is, I don't believe my people on this good earth will be able to prolong their existence on it for much longer. I've made this judgement, and I've made judgments about all the humans that ever existed, for that matter. It's a broad judgement and it's not a progressive one. What I mean is, I believe that my species is destructive at heart ("for the most part," because while some of us would like to change this, our surroundings and excuses prevent us from doing so.)

We are the dominant species on this planet. We pretty much get to decide what stays and goes, and it's always to our convenience. We think we're damn special, and we like to consider ourselves the most intelligent being we know of as well. So of course, anything we do or want to do takes priority over all else. We are no longer merely beings, we are emperors, say many cultures (including and especially my own,) and there will be no interfering with our growth.

This is the concrete reality that has been forged in our hands and branded on our backs. This, and many other realities, are things we'd be stupid to argue with because they're "in our best interest" and we "need them to survive comfortably."

More on this later, I've had a fever for the past week or I'd post more now that school's started!