FINAL THAT IS ON TIME

Having a blog has been an interesting experience for me. I never would have started it on my own, for many reasons. I don't value my own opinions, I probably wouldn't get critiqued, and my life is incredibly uninteresting. So, I was somewhat disheartened when I was told I could write about whatever I wanted, since I don't normally have anything to write about. Sure, I have things to say, which are usually limited to complaining (something that, on the way, I learnt I cannot change.) I don't consider myself a skilled writer or very imaginative. Writing consistently in a blog has, however, been stimulating. It is new, it is innovative, and it is all around me whether or not I chose to like it.

However, what did excite me was the opportunity to read the blogs of others in my grade. I saw it as a brilliant way to attach myself to my new school. Although I almost never comment, I enjoy reading. It's fun to see what people have to say, on-topic, off-topic, rambling or structured is interesting and fun. I don't really have a reason for not commenting besides being nervous. I never know if my comment will be appreciated, if it's too long or too short, especially after people expressed disinterest in other students reading their blogs.

I still feel out of my element about the whole blogging thing, and I'm still uncomfortable with certain people seeing it, for some reason. I'd like to say I made the progress that I'd hoped to, but I haven't. I have plenty of things to write about, but I've hardly expanded my vocabulary or interest beyond the confines of my own thoughts which is depressing. In this new semester I wanted to achieve my goal which is to stop complaining and to be somewhat productive, but I won't really get anywhere when I've already established that I can't change those ways. At the same time, I'm proud of most of my posts. Every week I review my posts, and whether I skim or read thoroughly it's apparent which posts I hate, and why.

Like my post, "a little bit of culture." Ugh, I hate even reading the name. I should have talked more about my drawing than gone on that insufferable spiel.

"I'm not trying to be condescending because I took it upon myself to learn all the countries in Europe, (of course I would, having lived there,) but I think it matters that kids know where countries are because their geography affects their culture. To say that Italy would be no different if it were inland is preposterous. And it doesn't all have to be Europe, either. I am just a Europhile."

In this paragraph, I sound like a pompous imbecile. Who do I think I am? I'm using totally unrelated facts to make up for my lack of structured argument. Even days after writing it it made me feel stupid. I really wish I could delete it.Another thing I hate about this post is that I keep using myself as an example, something I usually never do. It must have been because I was addressing a touchy subject that I didn't quite know how to express my opinion about. In any case, I learnt my lesson with this post. I hope I never shame myself this badly on my blog again, since it is within my power to prevent it.

I've discovered I'm content with getting angry. I get angry in a lot of my blogs, but I'm getting better at it. I always regret when I get mad and don't say what I mean, but I'm learning to channel my rage into the comprehensible. Perhaps the most interesting part is I always started blogs off telling myself not to get enraged this time, to have a normal, placid pooling of thoughts so I would be content later. But I'll never really be content with just anything boring, so I have to get kind of excited about it. This isn't prose or poetry, it is essentially unrefined. It changes with my life, as lives are meant to change. I don't linger on anything except my own vices (which is perhaps irreparable at this point.) I can't hold a grudge against myself and expect to be productive. But I can and will work with my frailties to produce something I'm proud of.


Another thing that sometimes bothers me about my blog is my tendency to swear, or use profane language. I don't want to censor myself and I feel like using swear words almost brings a personal feeling to my posts, but at the same time I want my posts to appear somewhat refined and I don't want to come across as crude. Obviously, curses can be pulled off with class, but my blogs waver in consistency when I swear. In some, I made it a point to avoid swearing altogether, whilst in others I let my anger get the best of me and sprinkle on the filth.

"That is the largest pile of bullshit I've ever heard... read this and suck it"
Excerpt from "Optimism, confidence..."

Like here, I get really hostile with my speech. I'm not embarrassed, nor disappointed, yet I feel some kind of resentment towards using that kind of language in a public blog associated with my person. Which is probably to say that yes, if I could remain anonymous I'd press the rage button a whole lot more often. But since this is the way it is I have to maintain my reputation somehow...

Overall I've been very satisfied with my blog. I'd like a bit more feedback, but I should start giving feedback before I expect it, or hope for it. I've followed the rules pretty well so far... missing the occasional this or that, but sometimes my life requires that I make these blunders. I'm trying to enter the year with a new mind, as I've stated, I just need to get out of bed first.