This is one of the few weeks I've been demotivated to write. Usually, I feel strongly about something and complain about it. This week I just stared at the screen. It may have something to do with my body being heavily medicated. I think I took 20 of those cold pills this week and at least a glass of cough syrup.
I'm not an epiphany person, things are what they are and surprises just add to the stack of my interpretation of the world. I was doing a bit of self-reflection (I've had a lot of time to think, I got maybe 5 hours total of sleep this week,) and I've become familiar with the facets of my mind.
I think I'm pretty boring, I only think about the same things, I'm pessimistic and negative at my worst yet never optimistic at my best. My situation and placement and dull outlook has left no room for optimism. I'd like to be optimistic, it seems productive, but it's as if I can't.
I like to pretend I believe in potential and ideals, but in reality my mind is "things happen the way they do, time that 'should have' been spent working is time I used to relax, or whatever I was doing, so there's no loss."
It's that kind of thing that is the basis of my "no regrets" policy. I don't really regret anything. Regret can be constructive, like optimism, it is a strong force and one unattainable for me.
I don't regret doing poorly the past year in school. I was conflicted, I isolated myself, I let myself fester in my pessimism and demotivation, and routine did not help. I remember it vaguely, I remember going through each day ignoring my vices and doing the bare minimum. It would have been better if there was someone or something to motivate me, but there was nothing. I was confused and needy, and would not admit these things. I felt uncomfortable because I believed what I was doing was pointless. I also felt like a burden and a disappointment in the shadow of my sister, who did well and remained a positive energy.
So what am I doing now? It's been proven to me that school is just to prepare me for the monotony of working life, and that most of the materials I learn will indeed have no effect on my life whatsoever. What is my motivation?
I'm bored. I'm under-stimulated. The classes in which I can become excited are few. I go to school and complete assignments for something to do. I try to enjoy it. All I want to do is be challenged, but I don't want to have to memorize all this or that for a reason which has only been described to me as "passing the exit exam, getting into a college." Why aren't I given practical applications? I can and will memorize things and keep them close to me if they have some relevance.
I'm not sure how to define how I think. But if everything I know is for passing a test, passing more classes, where am I going to put all the shit I don't use or need for my job? So I just wasted my time with something I hated doing anyway? When I could be made to use that time to sharpen skills which I'll actually use?
I think, I'm convinced the curricula is severely sub-par and mostly irrelevant. What is learning if the learners are unwilling?
I remember a question at the beginning of the year, something about whether or not you supported school being optional.
Well, that really depends, doesn't it? Certain classes I enjoy. History, French, English. Classes I dislike are P.E. (don't even get me started, oh my god), Geometry. Geometry might be fun if it wasn't so repetitive and if the book weren't so full of shit (a claim made by my dad, who would know what he is talking about.)
This is getting long, but I'll wrap it up.
So, if I had to add classes they'd be ones I can build off of. It's easy for me to do that with language and history (an arts class too, if I had one, I'd assume)-- not so with math. I'm terrible at math and I hate it because I like math.
Hell, what do I know? I think this is just more structured complaining.
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